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Modigliani

21 Feb

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He is my inspiration. Amedeo Modigliani.
I have loved him for a few years now and my love for him grows stronger each time I look at his work.
I have a painting of my own on my wall that looks Modigliani-esque and I painted it before I even knew about him.
He is my art soul mate.
I love him so much.
If you haven’t, you should definitely see the movie about him.
It’s one of my favorites.
I love him.

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Overwhelmed

19 Feb

My life has been very overwhelming lately. It’s in my genes to get overwhelmed easily and I can’t seem to help it!
In hopes of prioritizing and listing everything in the name of organization, here is a list of what I need to accomplish.

  • Finish assembling rings – I probably only have 10 left but Neely NEVER lets me sit in the chair and do the rings, she cries and whines on my leg if I even go near the table. So it has to get done when/if Brett is home. UPDATE: Finished all of them today 2/20!
  • Purchase garland supplies for Neely’s party – I haven’t purchased a THING. I am starting to get stressed because I plan on hand making a LOT and haven’t done anything yet.
  • Purchase owl cookie cutter and get started on cookies – I want to make cookies ahead of time and freeze them so that I’m not stressed the week of her party.
  • Finalize invitations (send them out on 2.25) – that won’t take long, I just have to fill out the vital information, buy envelopes and get everyone’s address.
  • Figure out how I’m getting to Vegas the weekend before Neely’s birthday – It is my bff’s 30th and I’m going to Vegas for one day. . . I’m not sure if I can/should fly or should drive. And I have to make sure I have a chunk of Neely’s party stuff done by then or I’ll never be able to relax!
  • Begin a commissioned painting (finish by 2.26) – that clearly takes non-baby time. Brett has offered to watch her if I can let him know ahead of time. I hope that I can do it! UPDATE: Finished it today, 2/21!
  • Fold laundry – it seems silly but in the dryer alone is 4 loads waiting to be folded. And the rest of the laundry is dirty and in need of a good wash.
  • RUN – I haven’t gone running since I got sick 2 weeks ago. I need to get on it. Sadly, my goal of doing a 5k in March will not be realized; the 5k I was going to sign up to do is March 6th. I can barely run 2 miles without wanting to die so a 5k is out of the question.
  • Do all other party tasks – that is a huge list in itself. I started making a list the other day and it was over a page long. I hate that I’m alone here and am doing it all on my own!! I do have one friend who offered to help me assemble things and whatever else I need. And Lulu is doing things from Vegas and so is my mom. So I guess I’m not completely alone! I’m actually not good at asking for help! My mom is coming almost a week early (YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!) so that will help me a LOT but I want to have most things completed so that I can enjoy Neely on her actual birthday.
  • Go to church – that seems so easy for everyone but it isn’t for me. In fact, nothing that requires me to commit to it is easy for me. It’s a little known fact that I have a form of social anxiety. Before almost all social events I panic and get stressed and consider canceling. I usually do cancel or look for an excuse not to attend. Once I’m in a social situation I am fine but beforehand is terrible. I’m talking Xanax-inducing panic. It’s crazy. My chest gets tight and I have intense thoughts. Are all shy people like this? And until I just wrote about it in this paragraph, I’ve never really talked about it to anyone other than Brett, my mom and Lauren. So if I’ve ever bailed on you (and it wasn’t because Neely was sick) that is why. I have gotten a lot better but I still suck. More on this later. ANYWAY.
  • Buy camera – this is happening while I’m in Vegas. This is why I’m doing the painting and this is why I’m assembling rings. I am also going to sell my stuffed owls (who wants to buy one??). I need MONEY!! I also need to take Neely’s one year picture. When she’s closer to a year old.
  • Make more owls – I can’t sell owls if I can’t make any! And clearly this is a Neely-less activity.
  • Above all, take care of Neely – and that obviously trumps everything else.

I’m sure I left some things out but that’s enough for now! And sorry if this list seems complainy at all. It’s not my intention to be passive-aggressive or a complainer. As my mom said, “my head is barely above water.” If we’re real life friends and I haven’t talked to you or hung out with you lately, please give me some grace and love! :) Okay, enough blogging, my crazy cute baby is in need of attention! :)

My Monday

7 Feb

I spent time in the yard pulling weeds. Now I’m thinking that wasn’t the best idea because I feel even more sick! Oh well, the yard looks nice now! :)
I think I’ll go lay down now.
By the way, it’s a gorgeous cloud-free  74 outside…don’t hate me!

Letting Go.

27 Jan

I have a hard time letting go of things.
I am referring to when people hurt my feelings in a big way.
I can forgive but I find it hard to forget.
And it’s a problem.
I think things build up and build up.
I can’t “talk it out” with people either because no one wants to hear the truth about how they hurt you.
And plus, some things happened so long ago that why even bother bringing it up?
I am not one who needs to discuss every little problem with the problem owner.
I am one to smile and laugh it off, maybe be mad inside or talk to Brett, but rarely do I bring it up to anyone else.
PLUS, the few times I have been honest I feel guilty. I care SO MUCH about people’s feelings. Guilt eats at me if I hurt anyone whether it’s unintentional…even if they deserved it.
Blah.

Question. Am I wrong for not discussing every little thing? I think probably so because then it’s my fault that I’m upset.
But seriously? When you talk to someone and it’s not positive? It sucks. And you are guaranteed interruption. And defensiveness. And then they will usually say “Well you did this and that.” Not productive.

How do you handle the annoyances in life? And please don’t give little pat answers or Christiany Christian responses. I do pray about it but there are some things that God allows us to figure out on our own.
Please be transparent if you choose to comment on this blog.

(dis)Honesty

21 Jan

I feel like blogging is pointless when you can’t be honest for fear of hurting people’s feelings.
Isn’t a blog like a diary? Not really. It’s a place for people to read about your life, only the pretty parts and the uglyish parts that don’t involve them.
I’m not trying to be passive-aggressive it just doesn’t make sense to have a blog when you can’t blog the truth.
It’s because I fear hurting people’s feelings even though they hurt mine.
overandoverandoverandover
Ah, well.
More pics of Neely coming soon.

Life

19 Jan

Harold & Rita

Isn’t “life” a funny word? We say it often, not really thinking about it. What it really is. We really don’t stop and think about life until someone’s is taken from them.
2 days ago my parents lost one of their dear friends Harold. He went to play basketball, had a heart attack and never made it back.
His life was taken.
We have comfort knowing he is now with Jesus but that really doesn’t help that much when it’s your loved one that is gone. I mean, it’s nice to know you’ll see each other again, but how do you go on after someone dies?
I am pretty blessed to only have lost 4 people dear to me (My 2 babies, my grandpa and my dog who I had for 14 years), but even so, I always have a hard time moving on.
And you think about life going on without this person and it seems impossible.
It seems impossible that they’re not here anymore. Is it true?
I don’t really know what I’m trying to say. All I can say is that losing a life is never good.
I hate that my parents have to hurt so deeply. Again. It seems like they’ve lost so many friends in the last few years.
I hate that Harold’s beautiful wife has to have her heart ripped from her body. Her best friend, her love is no longer by her side. She has to now navigate through life without her protector. She has to do everything all by herself. My heart aches thinking about it.
I hate that their children and grandchildren will no longer hear his laughter or his words of wisdom.
I can do nothing to ease anyone’s pain. All I try to do is speak about lighter things…try to ease into talking about the deep loss.
Yes, yes, heaven is definitely a mind-bogglingly (is that a word) amazing place to look forward to, but living, going about your daily life without the person you love is tragic.
I hate death.

This and That

4 Jan

I am now a blonde.

I am a tired girl.
2011 so far has been good…as one of my million resolutions I said I was going to hang out with other moms more and so far I have twice! (well one was on New Year’s Eve day but still)
I am already setting plans in motion for Neely’s 1st birthday party…it’s SO CLOSE! I hope I can make it exactly the way I want!
Neely is still cute:

Brett and I are still over the moon for each other:

I still live in the most amazing city:

(I made that tiny in case someone wants to steal it)
I still haven’t painted a thing.
I still am trying to keep my house clean.
Brett and I have been eating only fruits,veggies, nuts and whole grains for the past 3 days.
It’s expensive and I don’t like cooking 3 times a day so we’ll see how long it lasts.
If I lose weight then I’ll do it for a while…but it made me realize how easy eating healthfully really is. People act like it’s impossible but it’s really simple. Don’t eat anything from a box. Don’t eat dairy, don’t drink anything but water (and coffee).
Simple.
There are a million recipes that make it easy, you just have to plan EVERY SINGLE MEAL. And that is where I have had a problem. We plan a day and then tomorrow comes and we’re like “Oh yeah. We have to eat again. Crap.”
This song has been in my head ALL day. This version and everything. I love this song SO much:

That’s all for now. I’m going to try to put Neely down for the night. She suddenly has been waking SEVERAL times per night and wakes up and criiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies her face off at 4:30am. I have eye bags. Grrrr.

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