Losing My Self.

12 Nov

I feel like I’m losing myself.
I live for Neely…I mainly talk about her and I really only find subjects about children or babies interesting. (inside I long for art.)
I think about Sarah of 2002 and 2003 and I sometimes miss her.
The Sarah of 2010 is definitely more grounded and confident, but the Sarah of 2002 had nothing but time on her hands. The art she made was serious and thought-provoking.
The Sarah of 2010 has maybe 10 minutes here and there to herself and she spends those minutes either showering or napping or cleaning the house.
She rarely makes art anymore because she has a crazy baby roaming the house; there just isn’t the time.
I recently Googled the person who got me into art. He is still an insanely talented artist and has art shows and everything. (sidebar: I sound like a stalker haha.)
I feel happy for him but I feel sad for myself.
I need art. Being creative is like breathing to me.
When I was a teenager and in my early 20’s, I wrote. I wrote constantly. I felt like I would die unless I could write.
And now, I long to paint. I want to get my brain in the place where I am creative again. It just doesn’t seem possible.
It’s very frustrating. I want to be a serious artist.
I had two main dreams for my life.
1. To get pregnant and have a baby.
2. To make a living from art.
Clearly, God gave me the first one…I’m just waiting for the second.
I spoke with someone once who had a child and said since having babies there is no time for art. At that time in my life I couldn’t imagine how she could give up art but now I see. It’s a slow process, one that you don’t even notice happening.
And, with having a baby in my sole care practically 24/7, I’m way too mentally exhausted to even think of ideas for paintings.
I think if I even had one family member here then I could drop off Neely and then paint for a bit. But the truth is that I don’t like the idea of being away from her unless I have her with my mom/dad or brother/sister which is impossible.
Can you understand this feeling? Have you put something on the back burner? Is there a way to get it back or do I let my dream die? I don’t think I can let it die. I will always be saddened if I’m not painting.
I want to have my cake and eat it too.


8 Responses to “Losing My Self.”

  1. annonymous 11/12/2010 at 7:53 pm #

    Just wait until she is a little older and you can enjoy and create art with her!

  2. Cindie Vertefeuille 11/12/2010 at 9:11 pm #

    Sarah, my love…
    Take it from an old pro…. Neely will not be a baby for long. I PROMISE that you will blink your eyes and she will be grown. Your art will stay on the the back burner and be VERY alive and MUCH deeper and more meaningful than you ever thought possible.
    Please enjoy this precious SOUL while you can. Your art is part of you and you will pick it up again sooner than you think. Have patience, my little niece…and love your life how it is right this very moment. Breathe it in…make your LIFE from it.

  3. Brett 11/13/2010 at 12:07 am #

    I love your Auntie, and I’m sure “anonymous” meant well, but I know just what you’re saying, and I think I’m one of the only people who can help, FOR REAL. I’m going to make it a priority to watch Neely long enough for you too feel creative enough t do SOMETHING!

  4. Jen(lulu's sis) 11/13/2010 at 5:00 am #

    Sweet girl,
    I remember feeling that very same way after Jacob was born…Where did I go? Was I going to return? Now with my fantastic 4 I can still feel that way but Your dream of ART certainly does NOT have to die…right now you will have to squeeze it in..Does she nap? OR Bed time might have to be your new painting time. That’s how things work around here or HUBBY…I have an order I am filling today and B is taking the kids to the park…God doesn’t give you the desires for nothing…You can surely be a mother and an artist. Aren’t you already? xoxo

  5. La Vonda 11/13/2010 at 7:28 am #

    Gosh, I am there with u lil sis.
    It is very hard, and am trying my best to juggle and balance life right now and it takes a lot of strength. I wish I would of finished school and to be in a career that makes lots of money. I do know that there is no money in the world that can be greater than picking up my girl from school and hugging my boy at 10 am. One big dream I had as a kid was to be a PTA mom and I am.

  6. Kelly 11/14/2010 at 1:51 am #

    It might be a hard thing to think about right now, but maybe you can find someone local who loves kids and is sweet and wonderful to watch Neely for, say, two hours once every other week. This will be your time to go and create, to paint and think and feel the artist within you. Maybe this person can come to your home and you can paint in the back yard? So you will still be nearby if Neely needs you. If you allow yourself to be your true self, and allow yourself to mom/wife/artist you will be a more authentic self, a happier mom, a better partner. Just because we have kids does not mean our previous identity has to cease to exist.

  7. Cindie Vertefeuille 11/15/2010 at 7:17 pm #

    I hope you didn’t think I was dismissing your angst. You know that I felt very much the same way. I said all of that from KNOWING what you are going through. You are very talented and YOU will not be lost.

  8. shannon 11/18/2010 at 12:34 pm #

    I know how you feel. I’m the mother a two – a two 1/2 year old and a 5 week old. It is hard to find time for your art – and yet it’s a MUST! Do you know anything about my e-course, “Inside Out: A Creatiave Adventure of Self-Discovery?” I created it last year because I wanted to connect with and help others (especially mamas) how to find time and nurture our creative, personal interests. I have another course starting in January if you want to check it out.

    Your daughter is adorable.

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