Divorce.

1 Sep
WRITTEN 8.31.10 and 9.1.10- this is way too long of a blog!
(disclaimer: the sadness I feel about divorce does NOT exist in situations where there is abuse. If there is abuse, I support divorce 100%.)

I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately.
I didn’t plan on blogging about it and I might even delete this entry, who knows?
Sorry in advance for the scattered thoughts, I really don’t know what I’m trying to say. Maybe none of it will make sense…

As I write this, Neely is napping in the bedroom. I am in the living room next to a window that overlooks our backyard. Tonight, when it’s quiet outside, I will be able to hear the ocean.
Tonight, my love will come home from band practice and wrap me up in his arms. He’ll kiss me and ask about my day and we will spend time together, as a family, soaking up each moment.
And yet, despite all of the good in my life, when I think about divorce, actually think about it, it breaks my heart.

I am divorced.
I married at 19 and was divorced by 22.
Although I am now married to the man God created me to be with, thinking about my 19 year old self breaks my heart.
I was so innocent. So excited. So nervous and so scared.
When I exited the marriage I was belittled, rejected, depressed and jaded.
I honestly didn’t think  any one that was perfect for me existed. Why would it? I had already failed at one marriage, why would God bring about someone who was my puzzle piece?
I had really never even given the whole “soul mate” thing a lot of thought.

I was the first person that I knew to get divorced.
I was utterly alone.
I lost friends, I lost confidence, I lost faith in God.

Even writing these words makes me teary because I know.

Unfortunately, I now know so many people my age that are divorced.
I see what divorce does to people and it breaks my heart.
People in my life.
I can’t fix them, yet I desperately want to.
I want to hold their hearts until they’re healed.
And the people in my life that have been divorced for some time, I wish I could hug out the bitterness, hug out the terrifying reality of failing at something, hug out the loneliness.

I know that a lot of people who get divorced do it for great reasons, but it is still heart breaking.
The death of dreams is never something to be celebrated.
Especially when those dreams are of love.

God hates divorce.

And, although I am a divorcee, I can see why.
Have you ever been divorced or been around a divorced person?
They aren’t whole. I certainly wasn’t whole.
After my divorce I became anorexic. Not for a very long time, but long enough to weigh in the low 90’s. And I still thought I was fat.  My ex-husband was verbally abusive but he never called me fat (I wasn’t I only weighed 100 tops).
This low view of myself came from a relationship I had after the divorce.
You see, I was so broken from not honoring the covenant I made with God to stay together for better or worse, that I allowed other things to speak into my life.
I wasn’t living a godly life. I didn’t really care. I wanted to drink and starve myself in an attempt to fill the gaping bleeding hole in my heart.
I dated someone who I thought made me happy but all of my friends and family could see that I was unhappy. And they were right. I just didn’t have the eyes to see it. And so I was miserable, but kept on trying to survive.
Even though divorcing my husband was the right thing to do, breaking a covenant with God is never pain-free.
And now that I typed that, I think it’s actually more entering into a covenant that God doesn’t 100% have His blessing over is never pain-free.

I see the sadness in their eyes and it makes me want to weep.
I think that there aren’t enough conversations about the effects of divorce. I think that so many people who get divorced jump into someone elses arms so quickly that they can’t see how the divorce is affecting them.
But the pain is still there…hidden.
And it will come out. We all have to deal with it eventually.

I’ve seen people get married again and make the same mistake.
Thank God (literally, I thank Him) that He protected me from marriage. Because I’m sure if my boyfriend would have asked, I would have said yes.
Dating someone is often equated with validation.
I am here. I am real. I am desirable. I am attractive.
But in reality, dating the wrong person doesn’t prove anything except that you’re not ready to be married again. And I think it also proves that you’re emotionally stunted. At least, in my case, that was true. The two guys I dated after my divorce and before Brett were nice enough, but they weren’t right for me. But I tried to make it work. Because I had learned nothing and I was emotionally raw.

I needed to be saved from myself.
Yet all I had was myself.
Most of the “friends” I had during that time were deep into their own problems to see that my heart was bleeding.
I kept a happy face on and was quick to laugh so I’m pretty sure my family had no idea how much I was suffering.
I had no idea how much I was suffering.
Looking back though, that’s how I can tell.
Healthy people don’t need to get drunk every night. Healthy people don’t need validation by dating someone wrong. Healthy people don’t starve themselves.

Another thing I want to address is loss of faith.
For some reason, Christians like to blame God for everything.
I don’t think I blamed God for the divorce (I was happy to be free of my maniac husband), but I know by my actions that somewhere along the line there was a disconnect between the goodness of God and my acceptance that He is good all of the time.
I still went to church and I prayed sometimes but I didn’t have the closeness to God that I once did.
And I for sure didn’t live like I loved God.
I don’t know what to say other than if you’ve been there, I understand.
But, being on the other side, I can tell you that God IS good and what He does is good. He didn’t cause your divorce. The reason our marriages ended was the result of sin, not because of God.

I think my purpose in writing this blog is to let people know that it is HARD and terrible.
My purpose is to let the divorced people in my life know that I love you and my heart breaks when I think of your situations.
My purpose is to just love. I just want to love people. I want to be open about what I’ve been through and maybe my amazing marriage can be a light at the end of your tunnel. I am married to the person God created me to be with. We both agree that no one else could be more perfect for us than each other.

If you’ve made it this far, you’re awesome! Thanks for reading and I apologize if it was scattered. I warned you though!!

In closing, life with God is much easier and better than life without Him. He knows what’s best for our lives and He wants to give us our deepest desires.

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14 Responses to “Divorce.”

  1. Cindie Vertefeuille 09/01/2010 at 8:21 pm #

    Everyone who knows you, knows that you and Brett were CREATED for one another.

  2. Anne Cuellar 09/01/2010 at 9:18 pm #

    Sarah, your words will be hope and life to others who have been through the trauma of divorce. Thank you for expressing your heart. I believe lives will be changed because of this. Love you.

    • Sarah 09/06/2010 at 12:05 am #

      Thanks for reading.

  3. Melinda 09/01/2010 at 9:31 pm #

    you are so good at loving people. I am blessed to be your friend. xo

    • Sarah 09/06/2010 at 12:05 am #

      Love you Melinda.

  4. Brett 09/02/2010 at 6:57 am #

    Sarah, you are seriously the most compassionate person I know. God gave you a heart to love other people and make them feel valuable, and you’re amazing at it. I’m sorry for the bad things in your past, and I’m so thankful that you changed your future.

  5. La Vonda 09/02/2010 at 8:23 am #

    I am gonna copy this for Ocean (future), your heart speaks and that is moving.

    • Sarah 09/06/2010 at 12:04 am #

      I will lecture her if she is 19 and thinks about getting married!! But hopefully she’s way smarter than I was!

  6. LuLu 09/02/2010 at 1:34 pm #

    I cried while reading some of this…I also held my breath at times, because I knew what was coming next. You are right. Divorce destroys. Working through it though, allows for healing. If you allow yourself to. I can honeslty say, I have not, at this point. Even though my divorce was not devastating in comparison to some of what my friends went through….it has left me jaded and it is almost as if pieces of me are somewhere else. I am thankful we are best friends and thankful God brought you into my life. We have both personally been through a divorce and walked next to each other while the other one was struggling to make sense of it all. I love you so much. Thanks for being brave and speaking to what was placed on your heart. You are truly and amazing person.

  7. Lorianne 09/02/2010 at 1:37 pm #

    Ah, yes. Divorce. (Did I say that out loud? It still seems to be a bad word in some “Christian” circles.)

    My ex thinks I’m not normal because we’ve been divorced for so long and I’ve only dated one person the entire time. I recognized that I HAD TO be alone. I had to figure out who I was – as a person, on my own, and in God. (Not that I wanted to be alone, but I did it because I needed to.) If all people who go through the Big D (as I like to call it) did this, there would be a lot less failed seconds and thirds and so on.

    God totally made you and Brett for each other. He made Katy and Bret for each other. He made me and someone I haven’t met yet for each other. Out of sadness comes bliss! And while it may take a zillion years, I’m waiting for my puzzle piece. And, even though I would never wish the pain of divorce on anyone, I know that when the right piece comes along, I will cherish it and realize how awesome it is.

    You are fabulous! Loves!

  8. Loralyn 09/02/2010 at 2:18 pm #

    You and Brett are such beautiful people, Im so glad that you found each other; the love that exudes from your family is blinding. Im lucky to be acquainted with you.

    • Sarah 09/06/2010 at 12:03 am #

      Wow thank you so much! :)

  9. lorimargo 09/09/2010 at 9:09 pm #

    That was really well written Sarah. You are amazing! Blessings to you!

  10. Chäntäl Lusk♥ 02/13/2011 at 9:23 am #

    Thx for sharing! I loved all you said!
    I have some close friends that are going through a divorce and it is SO heartbreaking! I agree, it is unfortunate to know so many people our age that are divorced!
    I was also thinking about how children are effected by divorce, like me!
    It’s sad when divorce not only hurts the people in the marriage, but the children as well! Of course, like you were saying in the beginning of this entry, if there is abuse in a marriage then that is a whole other thing, but it’s hard when the reasons for a divorce are futile and then the child has to pay for it their whole life! Well, I guess life is life, and no one’s life is or ever will be perfect huh?!, but I will say that I am glad that Jesus is in my life, and I’m glad that I believe in him, and that he is my soft place to fall, even when I feel like I’ve failed him! At present I am learning about his unconditional love, that NO MATTER WHAT, weather I “fail” him or not, it doesn’t matter, because he loves me! It’s hard to truly believe that and truly truly take in (bc our human love is so conditional) but the more I believe it the better and freer life will be. Life..::sigh::.♥

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